OPINION PIECE FOR WINTER 2014

PERSONAL ESSAY:  MINDFULNESS AND THE HARDSHIPS OF MENTAL ILLNESS

BY JACK BRAGEN

Adults with psychiatric illnesses sometimes seek spiritual teachings in the hope of understanding the cause of our problems and possibly solving those problems.  Those whose illnesses are less severe are more likely to seek solutions through Buddhist-style mindfulness because they are not too impaired to try that.  Those whose illness is more severe or whose intellect is compromised by the illness may never think that they could try meditation, much less study techniques. 
    
     Many people who suffer from a mental illness at those times when in treatment or remission do not have a cognitive impairment.  Out of these people, it is not uncommon for many to at some point seek meditation as a possible solution to one's problems.  I am one of those people. 
     Many "normal" people (also known as "the worried well") whom you might see in a place of meditation, have sought meditation initially because they had problems. Those who may have difficulty surviving in our environment (which greatly reinforces greed, fear, and clinging) are often inclined toward an existence of more peace.  Meanwhile others (people who don't see the purpose of meditation) may be less sensitive, do not have a problem with our fast-paced, dualistic society, and are not interested in things that to them don't seem to give them anything. 
     The predicament of living with a psychiatric disorder furnishes multiple opportunities for using hardship as a catalyst for me to better myself.  People with mental illness are forced to live under multiple hardships. 
     For one thing, being medicated, sometimes voluntarily or sometimes by force, is not enviable--the side effects can create a great deal of suffering.   
     Living as a second class citizen is something with which many persons with mental illness are familiar.  We often get bumped to a lower social status because people often perceive us as dumb.  When someone with mental illness does show intelligence, it gets marginalized.  When we get treated this way, it can be a source of anguish.  We are discriminated against in employment situations.  People to whom we might be attracted often wouldn't consider a relationship, because we are perceived as not good enough.  We are often forced, by circumstances we can't control, to live on a low income.  Some physicians assign less importance to our physical health, because we are perceived as less valuable.  There are numerous other hardships that come in the package of mental illness--I don't have the space here to list all of them. 
     The power to meditate and to have some control over emotional pain is tremendously helpful for someone living with the specter of mental illness. 
     I first became acutely mentally ill in 1982, and it was a situation of much despair, fear, and trauma--not only for me but also for those who had to deal with me.  When I was finally stabilized and released, the idea of meditation to make my mind better was a great source of hope--and this, along with a caring family, sustained me through a very difficult period of my life. 
     I read books by Thich Nhat Hanh, D.T. Suzuki, Ram Dass, and other teachers.  I absorbed the basic gist of Buddhist concepts, such as eliminating attachments, creating a peaceful, compassionate and ethical existence, and focusing on what is happening in the moment.   However, I have never been an ideal student. 
     I ultimately decided I am better off practicing meditation independently rather than in a group setting.  The social aspects of being involved in a meditation group seemed to detract from my practices.  I would rather meditate on my own and not at the same time deal with personality dynamics and social awkwardness. 
     I have been able to use mindfulness to greatly improve the quality of my life. The mindfulness practices that I do are not directed by a master, and in fact, I am not practicing Zen. 
     The late Ken Keyes Jr. was a meditation practitioner who also pioneered his own set of techniques.  I have studied several of his books.  However, the methods he taught were not very usable for me. Still, the basic ideas, which are essentially Buddhist, have been an inspiration of the methods that I have put together for myself. 
     What I do does not involve sitting cross-legged.  I do not chant, I do not usually follow the breath, and in fact, I do not sit with my spine straight.  However, I do sit and focus.  I deliberately focus on internal stimuli, and I make changes to internal "events." 
     As a man with a psychotic disorder who also takes psychiatric medication, physical and emotional suffering is a daily, even hourly condition.  Medication side effects induce physical suffering.  And the illness, imperfectly treated by medication, generates negative and sometimes paranoid and delusional thoughts.  These thoughts can lead to emotional distress.  I also suffer from an anxiety disorder that requires me to sometimes take anti-anxiety medication. 
     Meditation of the type that I do can help lessen some of my symptoms of mental illness which include psychotic and delusional thoughts and a combination of anxiety and depression.  Questioning the output of the mind is useful, whether I am looking at spurious thinking, or runaway painful emotions.
     Meditation, mindfulness, and being a determined meditation practitioner, are not necessarily enough to cure or resolve mental illness.  Meditation and mindfulness mostly deal with the mind's "software" while mental illnesses are often a "hardware" issue. I am sure there is some overlap between the content of the mind and the structure of the brain.  Thus some people other than me could hypothetically fix some psychiatric conditions through meditation, such as a not exceedingly severe case of depression. 
     However, in my situation, I am using meditation to cope with the suffering directly induced by my illness, the suffering caused by medication side-effects, and the suffering of being in a poor position in society due to being in an unrecognized minority. 
     In the mindfulness I practice, the first step that I normally take is to remember to create a distinction between external facts versus internal emotions and perceptions.  If I make a separation between realities that need be dealt with and suffering that exists at the same time, then I can use mindfulness to deal with the suffering, and I can still take action as needed to deal with a life situation.  Mindfulness should not be used to ignore life realities that must be dealt with. 
     The second step I take is to make an internal map of the emotional and physical pain and discomfort.  Part of this discomfort is physical pain that the body uses to reinforce a negative emotion.  Part of the suffering is a thought or a perception that says something is "wrong" or "bad" or says that "I am being hurt."  The physical pain and the accompanying thought are the first two things that I map. 
     The third step I use is to locate where in my consciousness I believe the pain is bad.  And finally, I change this perception and I decide the pain I feel isn't good or bad.  When this is done, I experience a release of pain, and I may experience immunity to suffering that lasts anywhere from a half hour to several hours. 
     It is nice to have a bag of tricks that can alleviate my suffering on a fairly consistent basis--usually without the need to take a bunch of drugs to avoid legitimate pain.  Sometimes what I'm up to isn't about avoiding suffering at all.  Sometimes it is about being brave enough to feel emotions in the moment. 
     Meditation helps me live a much better existence under the predicament of having a mental illness.  Psychiatric illness can dominate and in some cases ruin a person's life.  Persons with mental illness like me must deal with a lot of adversity.  For one thing, persons with psychiatric disabilities are an unrecognized minority.  We are ostracized in society and are the object of people's jokes.    
     For me, meditation and also writing have been two "great equalizers" which have furnished hope, helped my path and improved my conditions.